stop trying to live your life in the way you feel others would have you do so. there is so much more out there for you. figure out what you want, what you truly believe in, and head in that general direction. anyone who finds their way in your way isn’t worthy of that power you’ve given them. anything that happens from that realization on can be nothing short of powerful.
Maybe I expect too much from the people I consider so severely integrated in my life, maybe I set myself up for failure by letting that happen. I fall into the pattern every time. As soon as I feel someone is worthy of filling those depths of my heart, as deep and wide as they are, I allow them to expand into this space. And for a period of time, I feel whole. Filled in. Those blinders get put on because some huge part of me believes I am whole. Time will pass by like this where I do not hunger, I believe I am whole because that is what I expect. When that feeling runs out, in the end, I am just hungry, I have been starving this whole time. That other person doesn’t end up fulfilling the duties I expected them to carry out, even though I never actually asked for them. I’ll look back and realize what I’ve done, fix it, and swear I’ll never let it happen again.
It will happen. Again and again. Unless I do something about it. Relying on people you simply cannot ask these things of is a rude awakening. When you make mistakes, you have to learn your lesson, or the pain will be for absolutely nothing.
But pain is a funny, funny thing. It makes you stronger. Strong and bitter. You get to understand that you have been through pain and can handle pain, so what’s just a little more pain? Especially if it is possible for the outcome to be different this time. That is a dangerous place to be. To have gone through so much so many times before that you’re not scared enough anymore by the pain to keep you away from it.
I feel like I am at this point in my life right now, and it scares me.
There have been many huge life changes for mine in the past year. Many or most in the right general direction. When looked at broad spectrum, I am at a pretty good spot in life. I am young, driven, and surrounded by beauty. I have past life experiences that have made a huge impact on my life and how I handle situations handed to me these days. I know what I want. I know how to get it. I am an intelligent young woman with the world at her fingertips.
So why have I not taken that beast by the horns and rode it out to the finish? What has been stopping me?
Alone, I can take on the world. I know what it will take to get to where I want and who I want to be. I can write out a plan and follow it to the nines, be my own driving force, and be my own reward. I have recently figured out that i have to be alone to genuinely put my mind to getting what I want, and doing it in a big way. What’s sad is that I find it so impossible to be alone.
Why do I not trust myself to handle it on my own?
Why do I need the attention of a man to feel worthy enough?
Why am I even asking myself these questions when I know what I need to do.
I find it absolutely heartbreaking that I had to get this bitter to figure out how to be happy.
love is not the next step in a relationship. you say that shit when you mean it. love is not something you say because you think its what the other person wants to hear, you say that shit when you mean it. with all your heart and all your mind and you simply can’t keep it in anymore. i refuse to fall into that trap again. i want the real thing, but i’ll wait for it.
Coming from someone who seems to be completely incapable of taking care of herself, these arguments may seem invalid, but this means something to me to feel this way. There are those who love you, and many different kinds of love. Friends, family, lovers, coworkers. Each and every one of these facets of one’s life shines some sort of brightness and love, care, support, etc,. Each party is involved in some big fraction of your life, and they are important. Each party is somewhat expected to show up when and where they are required, with or without coaxing or invitation. When they do not, by not necessarily to anyone’s fault or even to carelessness, it’s pretty painful. One expects certain things from certain types of people in their life. It’s unfortunate, but when it comes right down to it though, no one, no one can possibly give as much or understand enough as much as you can yourself. You have to be confident in what you mean to yourself, and be aware of the impact you actually have on the world, in order to make it through times like this. You have to know your own strength, or at least believe that this is just an exercise to build it from the rubble up. In times where you may need a little extra help, and can’t find it externally, there is no choice other than to look internally and find that strength. The alternative is disintegration. And for those of us like me at this very moment, that is simply not an option.