brain droppings

i’ve had my share of living this way, i’ve been there and done all of this, and that’s enough for me. i crave so much more. not so much more as more in depth. i don’t want a job, i want a career doing what i love because that is where i will spend most of my time well spent. i don’t want to stay up late and cram for finals, i want to read about this science in my free time as well, enjoy the learning experience because i actually want to know and understand the intricacy of it all and know what it is going to take to do this. i crave this knowledge and appreciate this opportunity. i don’t want to ever again be able to recognize or wish the feeling of being idle. i want to walk my dog in the morning. i want to wake up early and bike to work because i want to feel the morning air on my face and begin my day in a genuine way. i want to see things, know places, feel the world. i want to look up and see the beauty of nature, i’ve seen my share of city lights and concrete playgrounds. it’s simply not enough anymore. i don’t want to shape myself around a mold of those i want to be seen with, i want to somehow end up surrounding myself with true people who can accept me for who i am and not what i could be, and be patient enough to not notice it happen. i’ve had my share of giving up things i believe in to impress another person, it’s just not okay anymore. i don’t want to live in fear of disappointing my significant other, or feel the need to make up for who i am in order to keep him around. i want to appreciate and be appreciated, to be an inspiration and to inspire, to be a reward and not an ingredient. i’ve had my share of unhappiness, that book has been written, and a new chapter is ready to begin. i want, therefore i will have. not on purpose, but i will let it happen. happiness breeds happiness, mindsets keep you on track.

about a year ago, i pledged to myself that things would change. after painstakingly reviewing the mistakes i’ve made and turning them into lessons, i set out on a mission to believe in those mistakes. i set my goals. i turned that key, turned on those lights. i knew what i had to do, and was willing to endure whatever it took to get to that point. i wanted the luxury of becoming truly happy, i felt ready. it wasn’t going to be easy. i’d have to work hard. i’d have to set some people aside in my life. i’d have to grow up, take charge of my own life because it is mine. i’d have to want it. i’d have to want it more than any other driving force in my life, because those previous driving forces were a part of what was keeping me back. and i would have to know that, to understand why this needs to happen, because if i didn’t, it becomes easier to fall back and lose sight. i knew it would be hard to diverge from my old habits and create new, better ones. but i could do it. i felt as if i were becoming an older rachel, stronger and smarter than the person who let it get to this point.

it went well for a while. for some reason, just talking about it, telling everyone where i was going and what for made it feel easier to actually carry out my plans. not because of other people’s support, but because i’ve come to know that the pain of disappointment from those important to you is unbearable. it got to the point where everything i did and did not do, i did for the finish line. nothing was done for a simple reason anymore. i didn’t work out to lose weight or change my appearance, i worked out to keep my stress level down so i could consistently handle this process and in a genuine way, never tire. i worked harder at the clinic because doing so would help me appreciate the position i was in there and how this single job has successfully changed my life. it became so clear that i was in the right place, and it was impossible to lose sight of the eventual goal. once i had that taste of veterinary medicine, i could not possibly never go through with it. i couldn’t be as happy doing something else. being in this environment, i couldn’t fail. the support system was strong, the education constant. but i couldn’t stay there.

i left so i could spend the time i needed to prepare for a tremendous life change. a move, a transition, and a successful one. i figured it would work out, but i have been very mistaken. i feel as if i have lost sight of why i decided to do this in the first place. i’ve not done nearly as much as i wanted to. i’ve not mended what i feel like i needed to before i leave. there have been many bumps in these past two months that have tied me down a bit more every time. a very important person told me that it is also important to look out for yourself, not just for those who mean the world to you. with recent events, i can’t possibly put myself first. it feels too selfish. i have not worked hard enough. i was rip roaring ready to work damn near every day if it meant getting there. i’d stop going out, spending money frivolously. that didn’t work either. i’ve found it is terrifically difficult to spend any amount of quality time with your friends and not end up spending money (in Minot).

i feel like i am leaving so much behind. i am afraid i am going to fail. if this happens, how can i come home?

this is not what i wanted. i need to regroup. recharge. rethink. and carry out.

but I can not fucking wait to see you tonight.